Breaking the Victim Mentality | MODERN SAGE

Do you know someone who acts like a victim? It’s hard to admit when that someone is us, but we’ve all been there. One of the hardest things to do is to be 100% responsible for how we feel and what we do about it. As long as we are blaming others for the state of our being we are not in control. We are being victims.

So many people are giving the advice to “let go” of negative feelings. Have you tried that and failed? It’s because it’s not natural to deny our feelings. But we don’t have to use them as darts to stick the blame to others. Emotions such as anger, fear and resentment come from reactions to outside forces, but are meant to move through us, not get stuck in us. If you have an emotion that continually shows up in relationships or around work, it’s likely that that emotion is tied to a trauma or emotional wound that is holding you captive in victim mentality. It’s the “I hurt because…” rationalization. While it’s important to have awareness of the root issue or trauma as it affects your life, it’s equally important to learn how to process and heal the recurring emotional pattern that is keeping you unhealthy, unhappy. Emotional maturity is about ownership and action.

The victim mentality is rooted in trauma.

I don’t know one person who hasn’t had some kind of trauma, abuse, or neglect. I’m not suggesting that we flippantly forget what we endured or the pain that is still present in the wake. Many people have serious mental and emotional issues due to experiences in their lives and any kind of self-care or healing work can be extremely difficult and scary. But if a person is aware enough to recognize the issues present (the first step) then they are able and on their path to healing.

What I’ve found is we continually recirculate and regurgitate the pains and patterns we’ve experienced to help us grow, refine and discover new depths of our lives. Painful experiences get stored in our psyches, and create emotional imprints on our energy system at large. Call it life lessons or what you want, but there is a pattern to who and what we attract to keep us in the cycle of our healing if we will recognize it as such and do the work.

Otherwise we just repeat old wounds and remain victims. We can get stuck in this cycle and use the pain as an excuse to stop the healing work. Many people get addicted to victimhood. It’s to escape the responsibility of self. As long as we have a reason why we are struggling, we will keep rationalizing why we are in pain, why we are not happy, why we are lonely, broke, angry, afraid or any other negative or limited belief. Growing pains hurt, it’s not easy.

When trauma comes from our parents or caregivers, we can spend years defending them while further repressing our pain. “He couldn’t help it, he was an alcoholic.” “She was a single mom and didn’t have time for me.” Or, other excuses that justify their behavior instead of addressing the way we felt. It becomes a twisted psychology. They are they ones who we relied on and who were supposed to love us. I need to give them the benefit of the doubt (make excuses for them) so that I can have justification to feel worthy of love at all. Then there’s the guilt of hurting the ones who hurt us with the truth of how we feel. So, people either slip into victimhood, or they become passive victims by allowing the ones that hurt them to be free of responsibility.

Courage, commitment, confidence.

Pulling ourselves out of victimhood takes courage, commitment and confidence. These are crucial elements to unveil the truth behind our suffering. Owning your feelings doesn’t mean that you are validating the behavior of others who have hurt you, or dismissing the reality of an event or trauma. It means that your focus is on restoring and taking responsibility for yourself, rather than giving power to the other. As long as you are a victim, your {abuser, ex, boss, parent, sibling} has all of the power. If you feel like you cannot move forward or pull yourself up, it’s likely you’re still giving your energy to the one who hurt you.

Healing is having compassion for yourself and allows you to really getting into your heart and feelings. Understanding why something happened gives awareness but doesn’t heal the emotion of the pain. There’s no mental justification that can soothe a broken heart. We soothe our hearts by showing self-love, forgiveness, gentleness, compassion, empathy, and trusting ourselves enough to feel, to be present. To coddle ourselves and be kind to ourselves because we know we are worth it. The feeling of unworthiness stems from the victim mentality that empowers the “one who hurt us” to have the right to place value on our worth.

I believe one of the main things we are doing here is learning how to love (ourselves and others) by experiencing situations that, albeit painful, can help us evolve into higher-conscious people, more aligned with our soul.

When we take ownership, we can make great strides in our peace of mind, in our relationships and in our lives.

If you need help with this, I’d love to work with you. By skype, phone or in person. Please reach out. The transformation that is possible is worth the effort.
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